chaos Events in the life time of your average college bound teen. Not in the best grammar.

This is my place. When I created this blog I didn’t want any of my friends to know about it so this could be somewhere I could rant. But even as I’m typing this gets harder and harder to let go of what I’m trying so hard to hold inside of me. I saw on one of my friends blogs a list of things that she thinks about everyday and its surprising how those are the things I want no one to know about. So here goes:
1. Why are my friends such jerks?
I’m not saying that everyone I know is a jerk but it seems more and more of my friends are immature and mean to the point where it hurts someone. There are time when they say things to me that I really question why we are friends to begin with. I get that high school is not the most mature place but why do we work so hard to hurt other people?
2. Why am I so obsessed with what other people think of me?
I pride myself in being independent and if there was a moment where I could do the right thing instead of the popular thing I would hope I could do it. But every day I doubt myself more. I remember in middle school, I would have jumped on opportunities to help others. I desperately wanted to go help in Africa. Now I’m completely unmotivated to do anything. I just want to do what is the “norm” and go to college, law school and what not. It really disgusts me how much I fit in.
3. College doubts.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who is applying to schools and not telling anyone in case I don’t get in. It’s embarrassing enough that I’m not top 10% anymore but what if everyone finds out that I don’t get into any schools?
4. Why did I get such a bad grade?
It’s almost disgusting how fast grades can ruin my day. I can go from having a great day to bad mood all week based on a homework grade. I’m not quite sure schools know how much of an impact they have on the psychological frame of students but really there should be a study on this.
I really cannot wait to be done with a system that controls you by the use of a numerical value that is suppose to evaluate your education. But wait, I still have college.

I think my number one fear is failure. But who isn’t scared of failure? It’s senior year. I’m pretty confident that I know most of the activities I participate in and can do them well. But for the first time I actually failed at making it to semifinals in an extemp round. Now for all none debators its sounds pretty minor. Semifinals? But no when there are 6 people in each room I plan on being top three. Feels so wrong. After wards the only thing I wanted to do was sulk on my porch which is exactly what I did. Today I’m feeling better, though I wish I had this set back freshman year. Feels like I’m disappointing my coach or well it could just be pride.

Trip to China.

Camp CAMP.

Retreat.

How I feel about senior year.

Taking a year off.

My best friends.

New commitments.

Tomorrow morning at 3 AM I will officially be leaving for the big C. I have to say I’m quite exctied despite the fact that I won’t know the family I’m staying with or will see my family. Atleast the last few times I’ve gone back along, I went to live with my grandparents. This time I get strangers. I sent my picture today so they could pick me up at the airport..but what if I don’t like them? What will I DO? But hey, good thing I like meeting new people.

So before I leave for a place maybe without the privalgages of the internet or freedom of web surfing, I thought it would be important to write a post…along with making the most of today. So here goes off to the lake!

1. Blaring music as soon as you wake up. Especially since I wake up later than my cousin, he’s usually getting ready when I’m getting up. So its constant top music of Asia and rap. But it only adds when I wake up. Since I like to turn up the music when I get ready. Asian hits + KISS FM.

2. My sister. When I wake up, most of the time she’s sitting on my bed reading. And then she always hugs me and tells me how my mom called a million times.

3. Random trips so we’re never bored. Like today, off to San Marcos!